Date: Tue, 13 Sep 1994 15:49:16 -0400
To: Multiple recipients of list DCRAVES <DCRAVES@american.edu
Subject: Re: IO Overdosegrrrl

a very good friend of mine (china) had an experience at interstellar outback in kentucky that i know she wants as many people as possible to know about. please read this and take what you can from it.

peace,
hossam

Greetings to the MW/NE rave family:

It has been three weeks since i died at Interstella Outback in Lexington, KY. Yes, this is China and I was the subject of much of the controversy surrounding IO, drug use & the like. I wanted to remain quiet for a few weeks to let everyone vent and quell down, but now I have to put my piece in to fill in the blanks from the perspective that only I can give it, the point of the person who died.

First off: PUBLIC CONFESSION. I went to IO, danced all nite, then did heroin before sleeping at 6am and sent myself into respitory depression and died. It was an unintelligent and irresponsible thing for me to do and i can't make up for it, but want to express my deep and sincere apologies to everyone for the scare, inconvenience and disservice I did to the image of rave (not untarnished on it's own.) I single-handedly destroyed a party, ruined a vibe, and created havoc and many many bad trips.

Second: I am not an "young" or "stupid" girl. What I *did* was stupid. But quite possibly an indicator in the uncertainty and risks involved in what is becoming a more common and accepted thing. For those of you that have never met me, I've been raving for close to four years (ugh...age), I am 23 and a senior who is graduating from art school in December with a 3.97 gpa. I'm a photographer who has work published in several art journals as well as Spin and Rolling Stone.

My use of chemicals came from a desire to explore the politics of reality. I was lucky and had resources available to me that allowed me the base to garner much knowledge of pharmacology and physio/psychological use of these chemicals. Immediate, extended, longterm and the like. I knew the ramifications. I knew the risks and the proper ways to use. As for heroin & narcotics in general. It's a long and complex issue as to this particular addiction. I make no excuses for my use or addiction. But I also refuse to be dismissed as a *stupid girl* or an *unresponsible junky* To see or know me, you would *never* know I was/am a junky. I have a job that people (for some reason) envy, I go and do well in school, I have responsibilities and expectations I must meet. But look at my arms and know that IO wasn't the first thyme I shot drugs.

TASCIALAXIS (i *know* i am spelling that wrong, but i can't locate it right off the bat in my notes) but its a term used to explain the rapidly rising tolerence experienced with drug use. I use it to explain also the tolerency that we get in our own and others drug use. We all go from having no knowledge/experience with drugs and get to lots of different stances. It's a slow process. Hindsight is the *only* clear view of it no matter how well you think you understand what is occuring. If you thought you would never do drugs and are...think of why? If you said *i only want to do (insert chemical here) for (whatever reason.) Has that changed? Have you ever done a substance to stay awake? Because everyone looked like they were having fun? No matter how easy it seems, no matter how much you know about what you are doing. No matter *how much* nothing could ever happen to you...keep yourself in check. Keep your friends in check. It's not nagging. It's being a friend. Compassion, not judgement.

The fact is that the more you do, the more you think you are in control. Bad trips happen to people that shouldn't do drugs, can't handle it. Overdoses happen to people who are excessive, mix drugs, don't know about their drug and take too much. It's important to know that I was none of these. I didn't fall neatly into a catagory that you could say..."oh, she fucked up because (a.b.c.d...) and she should have know..."

For the record I've done a 18 month research project on narcotics addiction, and get synthethic heroin (hydro-morphone) straight from a pharmacy (bypassing any risk of impure street heroin) The effect is the same, the purtiy is standard. And we had done this before. We had done like 5X the amount we did that nite.

Something somewhere just decided that we all needed a little kick in the ass and I got to be the lucky one with the sore butt! ;) I got too cocky, thought I knew enough that i wasn't in a dangerous situation, that i had everything under control. But (moral of story) YOU CAN NEVER PREDICT WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

Something kicked me off my high-hobbyhorse and stated

     "i don't care HOW LONG, you've done,
     or what RESEARCH you've conducted,
     or HOW MUCH you have done before.

        I can take you anythyme,
                        anywhere
                         and without any reason or warning...

You get one practice try...
Let's hope you learn something."

The lesson wasn't just to me. It was to everyone who say me blue and not breathing. It was to everyone who questions their own or friends drug use, or were contemplating using a first thyme. I just got to be the example.

BE CAREFUL!!! Drug use can go from personal exploration and growth to escapism and addiction with little warning or appearence. BE AWARE!!! The drugs you buy my not be what you think they are. Garner knowledge of what the drugs you are interested in look like. Affect you like. Know what you will be like in 20 years if you choose to incorperate this in your life. Know what the effect are so that if you feel weird, you can know if it is *drug-induced paranoia* or something is *really* wrong.

My seven years of exploration and use didn't prepare me at all for death. I thought that I would know if I felt *woozy.* If something was wrong. But I took the drug and ten minutes passed out (friends thought i had just decided to go to bed), ten minutes later i started convulsing, ten minutes later I turned blue and stopped breathing, ten minutes later I lost my pulse. I flatlined. I died.

I DIED...

you all getting this?

I stayed flatlined just under 8 minutes they said, the ambulence arrived and injected me with a drug called Narcalt when they found that it was narcotic related. It brought my pulse back. The medics told my friends as the ambulence took me away that "your friend might now come back." Gave me less than 20% recovery. When my pulse came back they told them that if i woke up, I might be *very* different that I was. Brain damage.

I did wake up. I have no brain damage. I even convinced to release me that day. (I *hate* hospitals) The doctors, nurses, medics, hell even the state trooper showed me incredible compassion and the power of humaness that day. The whole moment of infinity was revelaed to me when I asked "How did I get here?" to the doctor and was answered; "Your friends, the ones in the lobby. They called an ambulence. They saved your life."

                           My friends...

                                           waiting in the lobby
      They saved my life...
      Those *are* friends...
              Peekay, Hossam, Kira, Sammi & Darren...
                                           i love you all

Then questions to my motives...                 PLUR...peace
                                                            love
                                                            unity
                                                            respect

So like a family, you somethymes want to beat up your siblings. For thier actions, irresponsibilities. Stupidity. You don't understand, you judge. Or maybe the severity makes you want to close your mind. Punish. But also like a sibling in this family who realized i did something wrong I confess my action, and it's wrongness and ask you collectivly for your forgiveness and compassion.

Remember this when/if you or your friend gets out of control or starts to ack irresponsibly. Don't lash out, but rather try to understand then reasons or motives and help them.

Oh...one more thing.

Anyone who wants to continue this discussion. About anything. Motives, curiosity about what went on. Curiosity of the narcotics. Hell, even to what the afterlife is like! ;) Or just feel the personal vendetta to flame the hell out of me, i'm a big grrrl and can handle *constructive* criticism. Feel free to write me. Lollipop; thank you for your open compassion in your post. Roo, for your maturity and adult concern and tact. JJ for everything! And Peekay, Hossam, Kira, Sammi and Darren. I love you guys! And i promise never to be a tard again.

I promise never to ruin a vibe like that again. Raves are a beautiful phenomena by nature and undergo tons of negative hysteria by those who don't understand it. We on the inside need to boot the PLUR above anything else to combat that. I hope to see you all soon and am glad to be given another chance to check out the validity of life. Everyone...heed.

Chinagrrrl